Sunday, February 01, 2009

So, they say its my birthday....

Well, as of this writing, yesterday, February 1st was my birthday.I hate my birthday. Its a strange thing to be 32, alone and unemployed. I can honestly say I never figured my life to be the way it is. I guess when you don't have a goal or a plan you take what you can get. Still, very strange. Some days I love my "care free happy go lucky existence" other days not so much. The last few day have fallen into the not so much category. I guess the question I should be asking is "What do I do about it?" or "What comes next?" Strangely those two question are vastly different from one another. One is an active question the other is passive. I think a lot of my problems in life are that I am to passive, to accepting of the situation. But I don't know how to change it and am I willing to pay the price to change it? I have never really been good at anything. I'm okay at a lot of things. I was an okay student, I'm an okay guitar player, I'm decent at my job (when I have one), I've always thought I was a decent boyfriend (I guess I wouldn't be the best judge of that), I try to be a good friend, but I'm not really great at anything. I seem to always fall in with high quality people, great writer, artist, students, and musicians. People who I seem to have bright, productive future, no matter what they do or at least they have the potential to. They may never be rich or famous but that is a horrible thing to judge greatness by. Still, I know sometime it is easy to get in the way of yourself. Which brings me back to my problem. What is it that separates the "the great" from the hacks like me? Is it talent? Hard Work? Fate? A mix of all three? I think back to younger days, when I was 17, 18, 21, 24 and I can't help but think of all the time and potential that I have wasted in my life. About the things I could have done, About the things I should have done? But the real question is what else would I have done, what else should I have been? I'm not unhappy with my life, just uncertain of it. And more uncertain of what I should do next. I have pretty much accepted that wife and kids and all that lot are not going to happen for me. I don't know what it is about me, but something just scream to women "HE'S A WASTE OF TIME!!!" or "THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM!!!". While sad, there is some level of freedom in that. Its just one less thing I have to worry about. But it still leaves me with the fundamental problem. What am I going to do?

Sorry for this stream of conscience rant, but I got a lot on my mind, and my birthday bring out the worse in me about things like this.



Blogger Erica said...

I am sorry I missed it! I am a douche.

Happy Birthday! You are awesome.


3:51 PM  

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